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Monologue Chapter 8
Pairing: RyoJin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: romance, friendship, bit angst
Multi-chapter
Disclaimer: I don't own them or anything else JE-related. But the story is mine of course^^
Summary: It happens almost out of a sudden. 'Almost', because Jin should have seen the signs. But too pre-occupied with the problems in their relationship, it slipped his attention. And then Ryo is gone... leaving just a single note. Where he is, is a mystery, as is what drove him to leave. Desperate to save their relationship Jin decides to fight against unknown demons of their hearts. He is searching for the key to understanding Ryo's past... so that he might be able to open the locked door again.
Note: Flashbacks and letters Jin has written are in [italic]
“Finally.” Jin beamed when Ryo came home that night. He immediately jumped up, pulling him into his arms. “My cutey is home.” he teased before he kissed the other heatedly, hugging him tightly again
For a moment Ryo had to giggle, engulfed by Jin’s dorkiness. But then it seemed like he remembered something. Something he had forgotten when Jin had hugged him. He rubbed over his head tiredly. “Right… I’m home.”
Jin frowned. “Everyhing alright, Ryo-chan?”
“Yes.” Ryo stuttered. He angled for a little box. “Here, I brought some strawberry cake from Maru’s party.”
“Ah.” Jin smiled. “I love strawberries.”
Ryo smiled at that, something between feeling really happy but also melancholic. “I know.”
Jin looked up in surprise, scanning the other properly. “Really Ryo. You are strange… Did something happen?”
For a moment Ryo seemed to struggle with himself, something gleaming in his eyes, but then an almost perfect smile appeared on his face, too bright to be an honest smile. He shook his head. “No, nothing happened.”
“So Ryo is not here right now?” Uchi sounded reluctant. “I wanted to bring back his DVDs.” He pouted a bit.
Jin had to roll his eyes at that. Really…Uchi was still such a crybaby. But then, Ryo really liked him a lot, so there for sure was more about him. “You can leave the DVDs here.” he offered. “Or come back when Ryo is here again…” He said that as randomly as possible, deciding to really believe that Ryo would be back soon. He couldn’t hide forever. And Jin was determined to find him. He needed his stupid little lover after all. And he hoped that Ryo would also need him. “Say, Uchi-kun…”
“Yes?”
“You and Ryo were really close back then, right?” Jin asked curiously.
“Yes.” Uchi nodded his head. “Why are you asking?”
“Yesterday someone told me that Ryo was having nightmares…” Jin started carefully. “I wondered if you would know something about it?”
Uchi blinked in surprise. “Ryo-chan was having nightmares? Really?” He sounded so surprised that Jin knew immediately that Uchi wasn’t hiding anything. He really didn’t know anything about it. “I didn’t know he was having problems.” Uchi mumbled. “I would have tried to help him, if I had known about it…”
“I know.” Jin mused. “He helped you a lot, right?”
“He was always at my side.” Uchi explained. “Well, I knew he cherished me but when I got suspended he actually never left my side. I think you really learn who your friends are during such dark times. He cared so much for me… as if he was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?” Jin asked in surprise.
“I don’t know…” Uchi shrugged. “It’s just a feeling… But as if he was afraid I would do something to me.”
“Eh?” Jin blinked in surprise. “He really feared that you would hurt yourself?”
“I guess so. He was almost too careful with me…” Uchi mused. “Back than I didn’t see it like that, but now I think he might have been scared.”
Jin shook his head. This didn’t make sense at all. Well, of course it made sense… but to assume that Uchi would actually commit suicide? He rubbed over his head, suddenly remembering Tegoshi’s words. He cares for lost children…
Lost? What exactly did he mean with lost? Jin was sure that Tegoshi couldn’t tell him that either. But there was a pattern in Ryo’s caring. Not that he wasn’t caring towards others. But some of the people he liked to look after seemed to be special.
Jin tilted his head a bit. Who else had been around? Who else could he consider as ‘lost’? Shige? But something told him that Shige wouldn’t be able to tell him more than Tegoshi and Uchi had already told him.
Jin’s eyes widened in surprise. Wait! There was someone else… another option. He nodded his head. He would definitely meet up with this person…
But first he had to talk to Jun.
“Really, is that how you treat a friend?” Jun complained. “You haven’t called since months.”
“Sorry.” Jin answered half-heartedly, knowing that Jun wasn’t all that interested.
Jun rolled his eyes. “You could at least try harder to sound convincing.”
Jin smirked a bit. “Actually I think you are trying hard enough for the both of us…”
Jun had to laugh at that. “True.” He smiled. “We really need Ryo between us to get along well… Talking about, where is he?”
“That’s the problem.” Jin came to the point immediately, knowing that there was no use in chatting and doing some small-talk. This here was Jun…he needed to come to the point fast. “We had a fight and he disappeared.” Jin sighed sadly, trying to hide his desperation. “I don’t even know what exactly was going on and why he left…”
Jun blinked. “But Ryo isn’t exactly a drama queen… Why would he disappear after a fight?”
Jin shifted around a bit. “It wasn’t exactly a fight… it’s more like the situation between us was difficult.” He paused. “I don’t understand why. I finally realized that there was something bothering him… from long ago already. I don’t know what it is. And no one else can really help me. But at least I got some good clues from others.”
Jun considered Jin’s words for a moment, then he nodded his head. “Something was off during the last months, definitely. But it’s hard to get through to him…”
Jin smiled sadly. “Exactly.”
Jun looked at the other thoughtfully, then he sighed. “You know Jin, sometimes I wondered… Isn’t he actually too shy?”
“What do you mean?” Jin blinked.
“I mean, he is shy. That’s okay. But sometimes I couldn’t help but think that he might be too shy. That his shyness isn’t really a natural one. It seems to come from deep underneath the surface. I remember when he was shooting for a drama with Nino. When he had to promote the drama alone, without Nino, he was actually… almost dying from embarrassment. I felt like it was strange… It’s like he can’t feel safe when no one he knows is around him. I always wondered what he is afraid of…”
Jin looked at the other through wide-opened eyes. “Oh my god… Jun, you are right. I never really wondered too much, because I got used to it. But Ryo is… awkwardly shy. It’s like a trauma. At the beginning he couldn’t even open up in front of me or Pi…without a glass of wine.”
“See?” Jun agreed. “I always wondered what had made him so careful and almost fearful.”
Dear Ryo,
are you lost?
Were you a lost child?
And I didn’t realize it?
Were you also lost when we already were together?
I don’t want you to feel lost…
I want you to be happy and smile.
Because your peaceful and smiling face is the most wonderful thing on earth.
Whatever it is that bothers you,
I’ll rip the earth apart to solve it for you.
Please come back. I don’t want to become lost either.
Because without you, I’m lost…
In love, Jin.
******
Note: Hey dear friends and readers! Thanks so much for all your support!! So, I wanted to tell you that my Request Post is open. If you feel like requesting a specific pairing or situation you can do so HERE
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it's kinda crushing to realize that all the while, ryo had been so closed and was always holding things back. i'm sure jin's heart aches everytime he realize these things. when there's something wrong with the flash back, my heart really aches even though i clearly don't know what is happening to ryo.
i'm guessing ryo's personality is not a result of a one time incident but an accumulative set of experiences or bits of his life. i don't know but i'm pretty sure the triggers were too deep that he had to become like that. he seems quite unsure about the people around him, and he feels so little that's why he's insecure.
so now there's uchi. i am so happy to read about his suspension. i think ryo did an amazing job as a friend to uchi there in your story and in real life, as well. he's right, we get to know who our real friends are in the dark times of our lives. i'm happy that jin got a clue here. although i honestly don't have any idea about the next person he's going to talk t because it seems to me that only tegoshi and uchi are the ones ryo loves spoiling. but of course, i might have missed on the others so yeah. i'm gonna wait for that.
jun and jin's conversation made a lot of sense to me. actually, i find ryo's shyness, too. not here but in real life. it's too cute to ignore but the complexity of his personality is really amazing. well sometimes, he fakes it on girls but ryo really is shy and we can figure out when he's faking it and when he's really shy. but going back to the story, his shyness is quite alarming since he's having problems here. i'm just not too sure about the reason.
okay, since ryo seems so broken ever since (by the way his stories and others perception about them is being brought up here) i believe that the reason is really traumatic and something big. i can't wait to find out about it. i know it's not gonna be easy for him and for jin and for me, who's going to heartbreakingly read it but i'm really intrigued. what made ryo feel so crushed that he became this type of person?
oh, i was wondering too if ryo even had a plan of hurting himself? since you know, i think he sees himself in uchi that's why he's there for him and it was mentioned that he's afraid that uchi might hurt himself or so. if that is so, i should be panicking by now. jin has to find him real soon!
i don't know if i'm taking this story real slow. i mean i love it to death that it breaks my heart everytime. i'm hurting for ryo because he's all alone and crushed at the moment but jin's really pulling my heartstrings. he really loves ryo so much.
i just want them to see each other again. i don't care how emotional it will be for the two of them but these two have to be together again! they have to fight together and bring ryo back to life!
thanks for this update dear. i really hope that you update soon :)
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I'm soooooooooooo glad you like this story so much!!!! *happy*
You are right, Jin for sure feels sad that Ryo had hold back so much things. I mean... he smiled and he tried to put a mask on, but actually he wasn't all that happy.
But by now I think that Jin is slowly learning how to read the signs. I don't think he will let Ryo slip that easily - If he finds Ryo, he will for sure talk to him and try to help him.
I'm so glad you liked the scenes between Jin and Uchi and Jin and Jun. Jun has a similar way of thinking like Jin - I think both of them together can really make some steps forward. Like now with Ryo's shyness...
You are right, the reason for Ryo's strange behaviour is definitely something bigger...
Thanks so much for reading this, dear!!
I'm soooooo happy about your amazing comment!! *hugs-and-swirls-around*
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Sorry - Comment Part 1
Uchi is so sweet and innocent. He doesn't think that something is wrong with Ryo, because in the end it was always Ryo caring about Uchi and not Uchi caring about Ryo. Ryo gives everything for others, but his own problems are buried deep inside him, and he doesn't think of talking about them to anyone.
“It’s just a feeling… But as if he was afraid I would do something to me.”
Oh god, Ryo....what happened to you that you feel in that way? I think that Ryo had this special feeling of doing something to him, so he was afraid that Uchi could try it too. Maybe Ryo never tried to commit suicide, but it's enough to have the thought about it. Something terrible must have happened to him, otherwise he wouldn't act like this. I think his shyness and all the hide and seek with his real emotions and problems are connected with something terrible.
It's so sad a the beginning, where Ryo is smiling, but he doesn't feel comforted here. Even though Jin only wants the best for him. But for me it felt like...let me think about an explanation...like you lose the chance to breath like you want to show someone who and what you are, but in the moment you want, you can't breath and you aren't able to tell him about it. Ryo loves Jin, but even though he trusts him, he can't be himself here. He is always hiding behind a mask - behind a smile, which wasn't a smile at all. I am asking myself if Ryo wanted to tell Jin about his past, or if he wanted to hide it deep inside him, and never let it out again?
Maybe he didn't want to be rememebered about it, but it's like a nightmare behind him. He will never get rid of it, when he is burying it inside. And on the other side I think he is maybe afraid of losing Jin when he tells him what happened to him. I don't think he wants to hurt Jin with running away, I think he is hiding, because he flees from his problems and from facing Jin, because the moment where he has to tell hiim about everything comes sooner or later. He can't keep a big problem for himself for such a long time. Not when he wants to have a working relationship. Even though Jin doesn't recognize it by now, but with time he'd check that something bigger is off. Maybe Ryo panicked becuase he recognized that Jin realized something step by step and just ran away tp avoid a discussion.
It's easy to smack Jin's head for not realizing it, but I think Ryo acted perefectly in his role, and Jin just didn't see it. Ryo always said that everything is fine, even though it wasn't. And you don't want to go on the other one's nerves, so you won't ask hundreds of times if everything is fine. But as I said a few lines before, Ryo's facade wasn't made to work out forever. Jin knows him better and better - even though he didn't check immediately what's going on....
And Ryo isn't able to open up at least a bit. He is totally closed and it seems there is no one who is able to open him up. Only a few persons had the chance to get to know the real Ryo - but only partly. Like Koichi or Subaru. And others just remember about things Ryo said once. But everything is just a small piece in a big puzzle. No one knows the real Ryo, because I think he didn't tell anyone about his real face. But everyone's story maybe leads to a whole picture - hopefully a picture of a honest smiling Ryo.
Jun is able to help Jin here, I think it's a big point that Ryo is too shy. He wasn't able to make a step alone back then. And also Jin and Pi had problems to get close to him at the beginning. There must be something deeper going on in Ryo. I feel so sad for him. And also for Jin.
Re: Sorry - Comment Part 2
He is totally different than Jin is, right? Maybe that's also a point why JIn didn't see Ryo's problems, because he is the type who talks about problems and Ryo isn't....and maybe he thought that Ryo would talk if there is something, because it's just normal for him to talk about problems. He porjected his character on Ryo's - maybe. It's just a thought. ^^
I so love the last part where Jin wrote that he is lost without Ryo. He so want his lover back, but he is still in the dark. He wants to do everything for Ryo, and I think he really feels guilty, because he didn't see the other one's problems during the last time, but now he gets to know about the real Ryo.
Step by step Jin investigates Ryo, and he learns a lot about him. I hope he can find out more, and in the end he can find Ryo. But I think it's not done with finding him, he still has to talk with him, and I think it will be a important part that Ryo is able to tell JIn about his problems, because otherwise it will be difficult for them.
Sorry I have to put it in two comments, it's too long....I don't want to kill you....
*laughs* Thanks for sharing this chapter, I soooo love this story. *hugs*
Re: Sorry - Comment Part 2
Wow!
I don't think I ever got such a comment!!
*jawdropsopen*
I hope I'm able to answer this coherently, because I'm still not feeling totally well ><
Uchi and Ryo definitely had a special relationship - Uchi was precious, you know...like a little prince or a little brother. Maybe Ryo saw something of himself in him? Who knows... But he for sure cared for him more than most others did.
So...Jin for sure is shocked to hear that Ryo was afraid Uchi would do something to himself. What does that mean for Ryo?
The mask Ryo is wearing is almost perfect.
You are right, he might always been on the edge of telling Jin what was going on, but something inside him was holding him back. I guess it's not so easy to talk about some things...
Maybe he really wanted to forget about it, but you can't bury the past. So while being with Jin, he for sure remembered what had happened to him before...though Jin always treated him well.
You are right, Jun's way of thinking is actually quite similar to Jin's. Together they were able to take a step forwards.
The thing is that there are all kind of different relationships between people. Jin and Ryo are lovers, while Ryo and Pi are friends. So Jin knows different things about Ryo than Pi. Or Tegoshi. That's why Jin tries to gather as much information from others than possible.
Thanks so much for your amazing comment, dear!!
I'm soooooooooo happy you like this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs*
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You are right, poor Jin, he really tries hard ><
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Wondered what really happened! Wondered who is the other person Jin really needed to speak to... Takki?? Kinda forgot whether he had spoken to Takki yet :p
Can't wait for next chapt!
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Well, there are reasons for Ryo's strange behaviour of course... I can't tell you though ^^ It would spoil the fun.
Thanks so much for reading!! <3
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I love the interaction between Uchi here, because even though Jin has preconceived notions about Uchi, he has to throw those aside almost because Uchi is important, and was very important to Ryo. As close as they were, Uchi did not know about the nightmares. And we learn, thanks to this great scene, that caring for Uchi fit in with some of Ryo's extreme behaviors.
And the conversation with Jun was awesome because he helped Jin a lot just by thinking the same way as Jin--approaching it the same way---looking for the extreme behavior, in this case Ryo's shyness.
But the letter, that is my favorite part this time. I think with this one Ryo might cry--when he gets back.
Hugs, hearts, and friendship. :D :D :D <3<3<3
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I'm so glad you like this story and Jin.
He is such a strong character, right? And he keeps it together, because he knows that Ryo needs him. If he freaks out too, it would be no help at all.
You are right, he learns so much and I think now he knows how to treat Ryo and how to make him talk.
I'm also really glad that you liked the scene with Uchi. For me Uchi and Jin are like night and day, but I think both of them are willing to get along with each other for someone who is important enough for them.
Thanks so muchf or reading!!!!! *HUGGLES*
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I'm glad you liked it!! <3 <3 <3 <3
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I love how you are making it sound so real and almost like if I´m reading a RL chronicle!
Love it, thanks a lot for this^_^
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*blushes*
I'm so glad you like this story!