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Aishitenai
Title: Aishitenai
Pairing: Kinki Kids
Genre: romance, one-sided
Raiting: PG-13
One-shot
Summary: He has always loved him, always will.
Requested by
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kinki4ever39 during my Song-Drabble Challenge HEREFINALLY, here it is ^_^ I hope you will like it!! Inspiration taken from Aishitenai by Acid Black Cherry
"I love you... I love you..."
So much I can't speak anymore
And more... than you think
~~~
“So…” a tender smile appears on Tsuyoshi’s lips when he turns around to face Koichi and inspects him closely. His eyes warm and gentle. “Today is the big day, right?”
Koichi nods his head, his gaze not leaving Tsuyoshi’s face. The smile is still there, sparkling and shining, pulling Koichi into it. For one second it allures him to believe in it. That it’s a true smile and Tsuyoshi is really happy, that he feels all well and content. But he is not. The knowledge of the lie Tsuyoshi tries to make him believe in… something Tsuyoshi obviously tries not only to convince Kochi into believing, but also himself.
“I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t know why he says it, his words surprising himself more than they are surprising Tsuyoshi, though there is a startled expression, clearly in his eyes. Koichi has never been good with voicing his feelings and emotions, but this time he just says the only thing he knows is right. He is sorry. And his heart aches when he sees the beautiful smile being wiped away, fading, and turning into something else. For a moment the mask drops down from Tsuyoshi’s face and he is sad. Only sad.
It seems short... but it's already been a long time
It's all too dazzling... and my tears fell
Koichi has known Tsuyoshi for way too long to believe in this smile anyway. He can tell the difference, clealy. He knows how Tsuyoshi looks like when Tsuyoshi really smiles. Like at that one day when Koichi had actually really thought about a birthday present for him. Not only something random. He had thought about it, deeply, gave up mid-way, because he didn’t find something that was good enough for Tsuyoshi… and just stuck with the one lousy idea he had.
[“That…”
“I know.” Koichi made a dismissive gesture with his hands, eyes looking disappointed. Disappointed at himself, not at Tsuyoshi.
“It’s a whole set with sketches. With tons of different pencils… and some books. Koichi…”
“I know it’s bad. Just take it okay? I mean…”
“Could you shut up, please?” Tsuyoshi snorted. And then there it was, this smile on his lips, shining, honest and so real. ]
It was the day Koichi learned about the difference in Tsuyoshi’s smiles. And he learned another thing. Because it was also the day that Tsuyoshi hugged him. In another way than they did on stage or when they were messing around with each other. It was different. The way Tsuyoshi’s body had trembled, slightly only, but Koichi could tell that he was nervous. The way he breathed faster than normal. The way his hands were placed on Koichi’s hips, shyly, not straight-forward like Tsuyoshi normal was.
It was the day Koichi got to know it. That Tsuyoshi liked him…
It still is the same though and Koichi doesn’t know if he is supposed to let this happen or to fight it. But he just knows for sure that he can’t push Tsuyoshi away. Not after all these years where they were friends. Not after all the support, the troubles. The times when Tsuyoshi was the only one believing in him and encouraging him. The awkward, geeky guy. Seeing more in him, recognizing something the others didn’t even sense yet.
Tonight is the same day we found each other, isn't it?
Your kindness
And my habit of being tough
It's still like those days...
It’s as simple as complicated, he can’t hurt Tsuyoshi. Never could. He knows that he won’t ever love him back, but the least thing he can do is to allow Tsuyoshi to have these feelings. There is nothing more he can do for him, but this one tiny little thing. Let him have the feelings he wants and not judge him for it.
“It’s…” Koichi bites his lips, looking directly into Tsuyoshi’s dark eyes, now wearing this wary and scared expression. Koichi doesn’t like it to see his friend like that. “I’m really sorry that I can’t give you....” he makes a summarizing gesture with his hand, leaving it open what he really wants to say. “…that. What you want. But it’s okay… isn’t it?” He wants to sound strong, while all he can do is sound wary and nervous.
A life spent passing each other
The felt distance
Tsuyoshi blinks at that, then he smiles. This time it’s a real smile. “Thanks.” His answer is simple, he doesn’t need or want to voice out what he is thanking Koichi for. It’s the fact that Koichi is still at his side, though only as a friend. That he never judged him. That he allows him to be here, to have these feelings, though he will never love him back. It’s this feeling of acceptance that makes Tsuyoshi love this man even more.
One day he will move on for sure, but for now he loves Koichi. He can’t let these feelings fade into nothing, it’s impossible, but with time… it will be okay. He will open his eyes one day and see someone next to him, someone who truly loves him and someone he will truly love. One day it won’t only be Koichi. Even though right now it is. “It’s your big day, remember?” Tsuyoshi has to chuckle at the perplexed expression Koichi gives him. “You did bring the rings along, didn’t you?”
“Yes, of course!” Koichi huffs, his pride not allowing him to accept this kind of teasing. Not on THAT day.
“Then let’s go.” Tsuyoshi grins. “Good that you chose me as your best man. You would be totally lost otherwise…”
Koichi wants to say something, tease Tsuyoshi, but he can’t. He can only turn around, take Tsuyoshi’s face into his and kiss him softly. It’s their only kiss. And the last one. “More…” Koichi mumbles. “I can’t give you. I’m sorry.”
The cold kiss somewhere was scary
It became like I couldn't breathe. A sign of parting
It's too quiet... the silence fills my ears...
“Yes.” Tsuyoshi smiles sadly, still feeling Koichi’s lips against his, the scent, the taste. He wants to cry so badly, knowing what he can’t have, what will never be his. But he swallows down his tears. Not now, not here. Not when Koichi is about to make such a wonderful and important step. He can always get wasted at home, maybe one of his friends will join him, he can always ask Okada to drop by. “You love her, really love her, do you?” he asks out of a sudden, surprised by his own blunt question.
Koichi blinks at that, then his gaze grows surprisingly soft. “Yes.” he answers simply. He has never been a man of many words, the more important are the few words he speaks.
Tsuyoshi smiles. “Then don’t let her wait.”
Koichi nods his head, before he turns around. With a swift movement he opens the door, walking towards the small aisle. Tsuyoshi watches his friend, how he reaches out his hand for his soon-to-be wife, an unusually soft smile on his lips, something Koichi has never let anyone see, not in public, not in private. But her.
He doesn’t look back.
"I don't love you..." "I love you..."
"Hey, um, hey..." "Come closer..."
Why? I don't need kindness anymore...
I'm not crying... I'll do it quietly...
Ahh... It's already no good... I love you...
It's sad... My tears won't stop any more...
Kiss me... hold me tight...
Hey, please... don't leave me...
Tsuyoshi looks down at the ground for a moment, before he looks at the scene again. Koichi has never looked that beautiful before, has he? “Good-bye.” he mumbles silently, smiling a bit. It was their only kiss. And their last one.
From now on Tsuyoshi will learn to move on.
"I love you... I love you..."
So much I can't speak anymore
More and than you think...
******
Note: Dear friends and readers! Thanks so much for all your support <3 To thank you I opened up a Request Post. If you feel like requesting a one-shot with a specific pairing or situation you can do so HERE. For Song-Drabbles go HERE.
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Omg, the angst! *__* It's bad to love it, but I can't help it. ^^" Poor Tsuyoshi!!! D: And awwwwwwwwww Koichi! <3 (A first outburst of impression)
I wonder if you realize how very much in character you got them. Well, at least the way they are in my head. ^^ Like, Koichi would helplessly blurt out these words to Tsuyoshi, as if trying to explain "I'm not ignorant to it, but I'm not there". Strangely, it feels like he's asking for Tsu's blessing. And naturally Tsuyoshi will give it. Support Koichi. Stand by. Watch as Koichi vows to someone else. Tsuyoshi would. He'd torture himself like that just to make sure he won't leave Koichi alone.
Oh, there are so many wonderful scenes. I don't even know where to begin. Ah, how about the birthday present? Aw, a sketch book. Well, Tsuyoshi loves to draw, so that's really nice. It's also a good present coming from Koichi. Like, "please, next time draw my birthday picture with these". So sweet! <3
Omg, and you broke me with the way Tsuyoshi reacted. So... lovely. But omg, I wonder how Koichi felt in that moment - understanding what was going on. I mean, it must be a shock. When you're working together and you're friends, you share a lot and suddenly it's like that person vanishes. Of course, it's not as drastic, but you certainly have such fears in the first moment, wondering how to deal with it.
I'm so very much feeling with Tsuyoshi. How he couldn't hold it all in anymore, letting things slip, maybe even trying to indicate and waiting for a reaction... oh dear...
I also understand Tsu's feelings during their conversation. I'm assuming he still believed Koichi was unaware. While it's hurting, it must have been much of a relief as well. Not only does he have to hide things anymore, but Koichi's okay with it and they're okay too, the two of them.
The kiss... is something that is just bound to happen. ^^ Somehow they can't not kiss at all. For Koichi, I think it must be a weird mix of love and guilt making him do it. Considering Tsuyoshi's situation, it might not have been a wise thing to do, giving Tsuyoshi that hint of what he'll never truly know. But then, I don't think it'll hurt - not any more than it already does, anyway. I wonder if it would close the chapter, though. You know, I particularly liked the part that says "it's not going to be only Koichi anymore". Not only. Like Tsuyoshi will find someone else, whom he can love as well, not instead. I totally love that. <3
Their interaction is absolutely lovely and wonderful and beyond words, which, as KinKi fans keep saying, is the true love between them. I wonder if you relate to that? If not, then it must be really true, since you drew the same picture without even knowing it. XDDDD
There's just one thing that makes me feel the situation is still unfinished... Tsuyoshi should have said something. When finally everything is laid out, he should have actually reacted. It's respectful, of course, to just accept and retreat silently, but in the end I wonder if the matter's going to be solved for him... You should write a sequel and have Tsuyoshi rush to Koichi and just tell him everything that's in his heart, just so he'll let it out. Sorry, that's a stupid suggestion. -_- I just feel that way. That you have to hand your feelings over to the other person like that. Well, maybe he can still do it. Like when they meet some time during the party that night... in a garden where nobody will see them. *imagination running wild*
I can't thank you enough for this! <3<3<3 I don't know how to say it, it's like I love how I hate when a story has such a taste to it. I can't explain in any better. And it's just wonderful, really. You should share on love_is_kinki. You'll get appreciative comments and maybe you'll inspire others too. ^^
Again, thank you for writing this! I love it, love it, love it!!!! <3<3<3 And I'll never read it again, because it makes me cry. XDDD Well, not never, but supposedly not as often as would be justified when going by the beauty of it. ^^
A million hugs to you!!! <3
PS: The icon goes to Tsuyoshi, because he's my hero here. ^^
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Isn't it strange? When I wrote it I wondered if it would be too fluffy? Or too sweet. Not angsty enough for a one-sided love story. Then I read the comments here and went like: Oh, well, apparently it was angsty enough ^^
I'm really happy you liked it!! And I hope it is what you wanted to have.
It was actually quite easy to write. I could really imagine Koichi like that. You know, to just blurt it out suddenly. And I guess you are right, he was waiting for Tsuyoshi to tell him that it was okay, that he could marry and be happy.
The kiss ^_^ I included it as something final, you know? Something that draws the line. So from now on Tsuyoshi can move one. A strange logic, right? ^^
Thanks so much for your amazing comment!! I'm seriously so glad that you liked it!!!!!!!!!!!!
*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS*
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Thanks.
A stalker-ish fan of yours.
(just kidding xD)
(your comment was enjoyable ♥ and i support your "sequel" idea ¤_¤)
(but i'm waiting for the rest of your fic so bad !xD)
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LOL! Well, this one just... came floating out. I wrote it in one go and didn't even realizte it had become so long - only when lj told me it's too long for posting. ^^" (Fortunately I only had to erase one word. ^^ ) I just packed everything I was thinking together. That cost me some important hours of sleep, though. >_<
I'll stay up tonight too and work on my new chapter. ^^
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Please, don't be sad anymore. *hugs* As you said, it's just a story. In real life they're all happy and have sex in every free minute they can spare. XDDDDD (A fangirl's weird happy fantasy. ^_^ )
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And thank's god it was Tsu that was involved in the one-sided love - I might jump out of the window if it was Koichi!!! But since you assure me about their happy life, I will just follow your fangirl's fantasies, add some mine, and make them have even more fun together, lol^^
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Don't be sad!!!!!! I'm so sorry that you read this, normally I never write one-sided love.
But I will write something happy-bubbly for your KimuGoro request, okay?
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Pls, don't worry about me, I'll just wait for the next story of yours, and then for my request waiting patiently in line <3
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Thanks for this song drabble. ^^
*hugs*
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I wonder if this was too sad? But then, one-sided love is always sad, isn't it?
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but,,, thanks for writing and sharing this wonderful yet heartbreaking story ;(
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I never want to read that again. Don't get me wrong, it was good.It was well written and simple in the interesting sense of the word. But so depressing that i want to take a shower full of rainbows and flowers and start a diet including strictly candies and cakes. Because that's the only things that could allow me not to cry right now. ;_;
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I didn't even realize that it would be that sad. Apparently it really makes a huge difference if you write something...or read something.
Next time I will write something fluffier, with lots of candies and cakes (I want to join this diet. Like seriously. ^^)
Thanks so much for reading despite the angst!! <3